When you find out your child has been abused by someone you trusted and loved, not only are you devastated by what has happened to your child, but by the betrayal of someone whom you cared about.
In my case this person who betrayed me was like a father to me... the only person who had ever really been there for me after growing up in an abusive home as a child and ending up in foster care. It would seem in hind sight that I was only easy prey....
Still this pain was excrutiating, and still hurts 12 years later. When I first found out what happend to my child and as the disclosures from my child revealed more significat abuse, this song "Foolish Games", by Jewel was a song I played over and over again... relating to specific parts of the song such as "You're tearing me apart", "This is my heart, bleeding before you, this is me down on my knees...", "Excuse me, I think I've mistaken you for someobody else, somebody who gave a damn, somebody more like myself..."
Truly my heart was bleeding, and I was down on my knees and had mistaken Henning to be someone he was not...
I would sometimes go to the park and swing as high as I could on the swing.... I still have the image of the blue sky with white billowy clouds in my mind... as I swung as high as ever staring straight into the sky, almost numb with pain...thinking this song in my head... other times I would just sit and cry, and others I would become so overcome with emotion I would scream out at the top of my lungs "WHY, WHY, WHY!!!", as I laid in my bed and kicked the walls and pounded my fists over and over again into my bed and the pillows.....
Another part of the song says "I hid my soiled hands behind my back...", and for me that relates to the
extreme guilt that I carried knowing that I had trusted this man and allowed my child to go freely with him... It took 7 years of counselling to forgive myself and to try and let that guilt not dibilitate my life anymore, but I will never truly overcome that...
Not ALL the lyrics in this song match my situation, but the emotion of this song, and the verses do, and still brings tears to my eyes...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UNoouLa7uxA&ob=av2n
